On The Bro'd

200 - Continent-Sized Piss

We took the Algiers ferry to get across the river. “Now we gotta all get out and check out the city and chicks and see if there’s a bar on the ship,” Dean was like, grabbing his Oakleys and iPhone and leaping out the car like hell. We followed. We leaned over the edge of the ferry and checked out the big-ass river rolling down from the Midwest like a huge continent-sized piss—like if America had a wang in Minnesota and just let it fly.

199 - Kid Cudi

As we started cruising by the sick beaches on the Gulf, an awesome thing started on the stereo; it was Kid Cudi, all mad beats, sick jams, with the rhymes just telling us to have a fucking awesome time! New Orleans was up ahead and we all got even more stoked. Dean took a pull off his can of Natty. “Now we’re gonna get wild!” A few hours later we were all up in the Big Easy. “Yo, check this shit out!” Dean was like, all crazy pumped. “Let’s do this!” He swung around a corner. “Fuck yeah!” He drove like a maniac and looked everywhere for hotties. “Check her out!” The hotties were so fine in New Orleans it seemed like it was a movie; and you could tell they wanted to party and really get wild, and drink, and smash, and do all kinds of shit till sunrise

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So grab a copy of the book, a case of Natty, and shotgun a brewdog every time there’s a semicolon.

198 - Natty Light Ninja

I was amped; a car full of hotties blasted past us, going to Mobile. We had to hook up with them. I peeled off my shirt and flexed for them. A little later when we wanted some brews, Dean cruised into a gas station all quiet as hell, saw the dude inside was asleep, busted out, stole some beers, made sure the dude didn’t wake up, and rolled off like a ninja with a 30-rack of Natty for our pilgrimage.

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197 - The Whole Country Like a Mad Club

He and I suddenly saw the whole country like a mad club for us to get into; and the bottle service was there, the bottle service was there. We kept hauling ass south. We gave another dude a ride. This dude told us about some amazing house party that was going down in North Carolina. “When we get there can you get us some tail? Hell yeah! Wooo! Let’s do it!” We rolled up there like an hour later, right around party o’clock. We found the house and there was no fucking party. What the shit was that dude thinking?

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196 - Amateur Law and Order Shit

Some dickhole cop got all up in Dean’s face; he was totally jealous of what an awesome dude he was. The dickhole’s buddy interrogated me and Marylou. They were trying to bust Marylou for underage drinking, ‘cause she totally reeked of booze and looked young as fuck. But she had a real solid fake ID. “I’m twenty-two,” she was like. They were still dicks. They thought we were up to some shit. They tried some amateur Law and Order shit and tried to get us to fuck up.

The cop tried to accuse me of stealing my wallet. Too bad I’ve got like five gym IDs with my photo on them.

195 - Distressed Polo Like The American Road

Dean hunched his ripped neck, wearing a distressed polo that was rough and ragged like the American road, and drove that whip. He made my ass drive through Maryland; that was aight, except he and Marylou tried to steer while they made out. It was crazy; the stereo was bumping. Dean punched the dashboard till it got all fucked up; I did too. The Wrangler Unlimited was getting its shit tossed.

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194 - Old School or The Hangover

Marylou and Dean and I chilled in front and had the realest talk about whether Old School or The Hangover was a better movie. Dean suddenly got real serious. “Now for fuck’s sake, look here, motherfuckers, we must admit that everything in Old School was fucking hilarious and there’s no way you can ever compete with that, and in fact we should realize that The Hangover wouldn’t even FUCKING EXIST without the FUNNY SHIT that went down in OLD SCHOOL. You feel me?” Dude was right.

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193 - The Pimped-Out Bottom of America

There was like an eighty percent chance of precipitation when we rolled out to Cali. We’d party regardless. “Fuck yeah!” Dean was like. “Let’s light this shit!” Dude grabbed the wheel like he was trying to kill it and jacked the gas; he was ready to rumble, it was obvious. All of us got totally stoked, we’d never partied in the South not on spring break so this was gonna be sweet. It was game time! We hauled ass to the East to we could party down the coast on our way South. Big Easy, motherfuckers! We were ready to party. We were ditching the gay and snowy bullshit of the Midwest to find the outdoor drinking and delicious grub of New Orleans at the pimped-out bottom of America; then we’d haul ass to Cali.

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192 - Dude With a Chick Body

Carlo was like to Dean, “Why don’t you just hang with me at Don Pab’s? Why you gotta hit the road so much?” Dean ran around, slugging Nattys and saying “Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah!” When shit got dark, Ed Dunkel crashed on an air mattress. Dean and Marylou crashed on the futon, and Carlo sat at his MacBook, posting shit on his party blog. I came over sometimes and checked shit out. Ed Dunkel was like, “Last night I walked all the way down to south campus following this hottie and just as I got close to her I suddenly realized it was a dude—it was a fucking dude who looked like a hottie from behind.” He said this kind of shit to me without saying anything else. Like a day later when the topic had changed like a millions times, Ed was like, “Yeah, it was a fucking dude with a chick body.”