213 - Tiki Torch High Jump
Dean and Dunkel shot some hoops on Bull’s halfcourt setup. I played too. We competed to see who was the most fit. Dean was off the fucking chain. He wanted to show us his vert, so we used a tiki torch as a bar and dude cleared like easy. Dude told us to hold it higher. We boosted it up so it was like five feet high and dude could still clear it like nothing. He had a long jump that was like twenty...
212 - Loaded Baked Potato Pringles
At night, Old Bull would sit in front of this entertainment center, drinking beer and catching Pringles in his mouth. He had like fifty tubes of Pringles. “I love Pringles. They’re the best when you eat two flavors at once.” He insisted on making us try Blastin Buffalo Wing and Loaded Baked Potato together; he couldn’t find any Blastin Buffalo Wing. “Aight,” he was like, “we can’t try that shit...
211 - Pretty Ironic
We took the ferry to New Orleans. It was foggy as fuck and the water sorta reeked; we could see New Orleans glowing like a party beacon, beckoning with its bars and bands and hotties hanging from balconies in the crunked-out night. The iPhones of the ferry passengers shimmered in the darkness. My dude Big Slim Hazard had gotten arrested in New Orleans for indecent exposure; Mississippi Derek had...
210 - Sick Wood Finish
He opened his closet and showed us a shitton of wires. Then he opened another closet and showed us a huge pile of speakers. In Columbus he once crippled his ear for a week after watching Black Hawk Down. “I’ve got the most amazing kicker now—a Klipsch P-312W Subwoofer; look at this sick wood finish. I could blow the windows out of this place if I cranked it up and watched 2012. Only thing wrong,...
209 - Rancid Arby's Sandwich
Old Bull pulled out a vaporizer and said to go at it, dinner would ready soon. “Smoking up before eating is pretty awesome. I once ate a rancid Arby’s sandwich after blazing and it tasted like the most delicious thing in the world. I just got back from Houston last week, went to see the Black Eyed Peas with Jane. We were crashing at my buddy’s and one morning I woke up like crazy. That dude had...
207 - Band of Brothers
Old Bull Lee spent long hours watching Band of Brothers—“the most awesome shit ever,” he called it. Since he moved to the South, he spent a ton of time trying to get good a barbequing, and although he was always trying to grill shit, he never got much better. One time I was like, “Why the fuck would you ever want to eat something with a dry rub?” and he was like, “When you dry rub it brings out...
206 - A Shitton of White Wine
There’s this crazy up story about his time at Penn State that illustrates some shit about Old Bull Lee: he was having a pretty chill house party and playing beer pong one afternoon before a game when suddenly he took a shot and the ball missed the cup by like a mile and everybody made fun of him, laughing. Old Bull got pissed fuck and was like, “This table is bullshit!” and punched a hole straight...
205 - Hooked Up With The Provost
I could fill like a warehouse with the shit I know about Old Bull Lee; most importantly, dude taught people how to party, and he was totes qualified to teach that shit because he lived his whole life learning his “clutch-ass party essentials,” which were the total shit. He transferred his ass to like eight different colleges during undergrad, always trying to find which school had the sickest...
204 - A Pretty Vicious Subwoofer
They saved a ton of money by not having cable; they cancelled it and just paid for internet. They had two TVs: a fifty-inch plasma with a PS3 connected; and a little forty-incher with a Roku box. He could still get live sports on them, which blew my fucking mind. Bull called his forty-incher “the Little Beast,” ‘cause it had a pretty vicious subwoofer.
203 - Freelance Sports Blogging
Bull rolled up in the Rover and our crew was already all up in his crib; he was still pretty stoked to see me. He bought this crib in New Orleans after graduation with some crazy dough he pulled down from some real smart sports bets. Dude pulled down occasional cash from freelance sports blogging, which was good dough but he was always spending mad cash on beer and weed—and his lady was also...
202 - A Shitton of Smirnoff Ices
Jane kept staring at her phone; I think she was pretty crunk since she was always drinking a shitton of Smirnoff Ices. She used to be pretty hot, but she wasn’t looking as hot now. Her pores acted up like crazy in New Orleans. Our crew rolled out of the Wrangler Unlimited and chilled in the house. Galatea was there and came over to her joke husband. That chick was gross. She was like a...
201 - Swamp-Party Pad
We cruised over to Old Bull Lee’s crib. There were like a ton of swamps and shit everywhere. The house was in buttfuck nowhere, but it was a sort of awesome swamp-party pad; the grass was covered in red Solo cups, old beeramids leaned, old kegs sat on the porch. Nobody was around. We rolled up to the crib. I went up to the front door. Bull’s wife Jane answered the door while checking her phone....
200 - Continent-Sized Piss
We took the Algiers ferry to get across the river. “Now we gotta all get out and check out the city and chicks and see if there’s a bar on the ship,” Dean was like, grabbing his Oakleys and iPhone and leaping out the car like hell. We followed. We leaned over the edge of the ferry and checked out the big-ass river rolling down from the Midwest like a huge continent-sized piss—like if America had a...
199 - Kid Cudi
As we started cruising by the sick beaches on the Gulf, an awesome thing started on the stereo; it was Kid Cudi, all mad beats, sick jams, with the rhymes just telling us to have a fucking awesome time! New Orleans was up ahead and we all got even more stoked. Dean took a pull off his can of Natty. “Now we’re gonna get wild!” A few hours later we were all up in the Big Easy. “Yo, check this shit...
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198 - Natty Light Ninja
I was amped; a car full of hotties blasted past us, going to Mobile. We had to hook up with them. I peeled off my shirt and flexed for them. A little later when we wanted some brews, Dean cruised into a gas station all quiet as hell, saw the dude inside was asleep, busted out, stole some beers, made sure the dude didn’t wake up, and rolled off like a ninja with a 30-rack of Natty for our...
197 - The Whole Country Like a Mad Club
He and I suddenly saw the whole country like a mad club for us to get into; and the bottle service was there, the bottle service was there. We kept hauling ass south. We gave another dude a ride. This dude told us about some amazing house party that was going down in North Carolina. “When we get there can you get us some tail? Hell yeah! Wooo! Let’s do it!” We rolled up there like an hour later,...
196 - Amateur Law and Order Shit
Some dickhole cop got all up in Dean’s face; he was totally jealous of what an awesome dude he was. The dickhole’s buddy interrogated me and Marylou. They were trying to bust Marylou for underage drinking, ‘cause she totally reeked of booze and looked young as fuck. But she had a real solid fake ID. “I’m twenty-two,” she was like. They were still dicks. They thought we were up to some shit. They...
195 - Distressed Polo Like The American Road
Dean hunched his ripped neck, wearing a distressed polo that was rough and ragged like the American road, and drove that whip. He made my ass drive through Maryland; that was aight, except he and Marylou tried to steer while they made out. It was crazy; the stereo was bumping. Dean punched the dashboard till it got all fucked up; I did too. The Wrangler Unlimited was getting its shit tossed. ...
194 - Old School or The Hangover
Marylou and Dean and I chilled in front and had the realest talk about whether Old School or The Hangover was a better movie. Dean suddenly got real serious. “Now for fuck’s sake, look here, motherfuckers, we must admit that everything in Old School was fucking hilarious and there’s no way you can ever compete with that, and in fact we should realize that The Hangover wouldn’t even FUCKING EXIST...
193 - The Pimped-Out Bottom of America
There was like an eighty percent chance of precipitation when we rolled out to Cali. We’d party regardless. “Fuck yeah!” Dean was like. “Let’s light this shit!” Dude grabbed the wheel like he was trying to kill it and jacked the gas; he was ready to rumble, it was obvious. All of us got totally stoked, we’d never partied in the South not on spring break so this was gonna be sweet. It was game...
192 - Dude With a Chick Body
Carlo was like to Dean, “Why don’t you just hang with me at Don Pab’s? Why you gotta hit the road so much?” Dean ran around, slugging Nattys and saying “Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah!” When shit got dark, Ed Dunkel crashed on an air mattress. Dean and Marylou crashed on the futon, and Carlo sat at his MacBook, posting shit on his party blog. I came over sometimes and checked shit out. Ed Dunkel...
191 - Don Pablos Disaster
Around this time Carlo was working on a blog he hoped would catch on; the whole idea was to talk about all his crazy fucking stories. “It’s sorta like Tucker Max,” he told us; “but it’s way funnier and realer.” His crazy eyes glittered at us. Since shit went down on semester at sea he had gotten into even more shit that he called the Don Pablos Disaster, when he kept hanging at Don Pablos for the...
190 - Leftovers
I needed to beast it out West and get back pretty fast so I wouldn’t be on academic probation at school. Shit turned out totally awesome. I just wanted to go party and check out whatever crazy funny shit Dean got into, and since Dean was probably gonna dump Marylou for Camille, I wanted to bone his leftovers. It was time to get psyched. I nabbed some cash from the ATM and gave Dean twenty bucks...
189 - When Shit Gets Off That Chain It Gets...
When the movie was done Dean pointed to the empty screen. “That was amazing,” he said. On the wall outside the theater a poster for the movie hung; its golden glow made Nic Cage look like some kind of amazing action god. God was Cage; he was awesome as fuck. It was a rainy night. It was real fucking wet. Dean was crazy hammered from all the beers we slammed. This night was gonna be a fucking...
188 - Nic Cage Blows Shit Up
And Nic Cage in Drive Angry 3D began to blow motherfuckers up; bullets flew out of his guns; he blasted a dude in the face with a shotgun, his sunglasses were still on, he was amazing. Shit got awesome. The car chases got crazier, faster and faster, it seemed totally awesome, for real. Cage began to blow shit up; explosions rolled out behind him in great rich showers, you’d think being this...
187 - Drive Angry 3D
Dean told me that he thought Roll Greb looked like Nic Cage. Dean and I went to see Cage in Drive Angry: 3D in the middle of our long, crunked weekend. Like nobody was in the theater, so we could totally drink our smuggled beers in peace. Cage came on screen, driving a classic car straight out of hell. He was an insane-looking badass with long hair, intense as fuck, crazy, with a total hardcore...
186 - THE Shit
Dean was like like, “That Rollo dude is the rawest, most crazy of all. That’s the shit I was trying to tell you—that’s the shit I want to be. I want to party just like him. He’s never a drag, he’s rich as fuck, he puts on a fucking show, he makes it happen, he has nothing to do but watch Armageddon and chug. Bro, he’s the tits! If you rock like him all the time, you’ll finally get that shit.” ...
185 - The Loudest Scenes from "Armageddeon"
He played the loudest scenes from Armageddon and pounded back brews. Shit was loud. Dude balls legit with music blasting and hotties all up on that. He rolls like a total pimp wherever he goes. He cranked shit so loud that the left-front speaker blew out as Bruce Willis detonated that fucking asteroid. He downed his Natty like a fucking savage. He crushed the can on his head, he tossed it, he...
184 - Kills Parties Like Whoa
My dude Rollo Greb texted and told me to come chill out at his crib near Dayton. His crib is nice as fuck, except he has to share it with his bitch aunt till she dies. She’s a huge bitch who kills parties like whoa. We didn’t give a fuck and started up a mad rager there. That bitch just kept yelling at us from upstairs. “Go fuck yourself, you old bitch!” Rollo was like. I wondered if having such a...
183 - The Same Crunk-Ass Time
Big crews kept rolling in from all over campus. Everybody, fucking everybody was piling in to the same crunk-ass time. The party kept bumpin. Ian MacArthur is a real solid dude who wears Urban Outfitters tees and says the funniest shit. He started being all “fuck yeah!” to everything, just like Dean was always being like, and dude still says that shit. While the Ying Yang Twins “Wait” blasted, I...
182 - Ice Luges
There were some hot Asian chicks too. Dean grinded from chick to chick, grinding with like every hottie. Sometimes we’d bust out to go grab more of my C-Bus crew in the Wrangler Unlimited. My boy Damion rolled in. Damion is the fucking champ of my Columbus crew, like Dean is the fucking champ of the Western. In a hot second they got into some shit. Damion’s chick all of a sudden nailed Damion on...
181 - Passed Out Naked in a Rubbermaid Tub of...
Shit was fucked up, and shit was sloppy. I was gonna have to stop smashing with Lucille. Bitch was trying to fucking change me. She was with this boyfriend who was a dickhole and treated her like shit. I was willing to legit date her and like go to restaurants and shit if she left the dickhole; but she was too much of a bitch to dump him and the whole deal was fucked up, and anyway Lucille would...
180 - Big Crews Party-Hopping Through the Snowy...
Dean cranked up some beats, grinded with Marylou, and had an epic time. She grinded back. They must have grinded forever. My buddy Ian MacArthur rolled up with his deep crew. New Year’s blew up, and kept blowing up for like the next three days and three nights. We took big crews party-hopping through the snowy campus streets in the Wrangler Unlimited. I texted Lucille and had her come over to this...
179 - I Feel You
The one thing that we yearn for all the time, that makes shit better and less gay, is not losing your keys and phone like every five fucking seconds and having to spend so much time checking the fucking couch and freaking out and this can only be fixed (though this sucks) by getting different shorts. But I love my shorts. I got so pissed about this while I was checking all over the Wrangler...
178 - Weird-shaped Pockets
I’d lost my iPhone because of the pockets of my shorts. One time Carlo and I played Madden, head-to-head, real intense, drinking, and I told him I couldn’t find my keys; that I’d had them in my pocket; that now I couldn’t find them. “When’s the last time you used them?” Carlo was like. We thought this shit over. I checked the lock to see if I left them there. That wasn’t it. It was like...
177 - Lost My iPhone Again
As we were cruising through campus some shit started to haunt me. I had lost my iPhone again. I had it when Dean showed up, and now I couldn’t remember the last time I had it and wherever I left it was like so close to my brain. I kept trying to remember where I left it. I asked people if they’d seen it. There was no way to even tell where it was when I called it with somebody else’s phone because...
176 - Sick Beats to Roll With
It started snowing like a bitch. My buddies were having a mad rager on campus; we were all going. Dean packed his jacked-up duffel, chucked it into the Wrangler Unlimited, and it was fucking game time. Derek was hoping to smash with this chick he knew from home who was in town; he sat in our apartment and waited for her to call. We rolled through campus on the slippery-as-fuck streets. Dean was a...
175 - Drinking Sobe in my Massage Chair
Dean and I dropped a whole bunch of nap bombs and then woke up to get wild on New Year’s Eve. Ed Dunkel was drinking some Sobe in my massage chair. “Last New Year’s I partied in Chicago. I got real wasted. I was chilling on the porch of a sports bar and this crazy good smell was all ripping up my nose from the bakery next door. They weren’t open but I knocked on the door and talked to the girl....
174 - Bonus Taquitos
Dean was fucking drained as he hauled it through West Virginia; I drove some while he dropped some nap bombs. We rolled up to my crib in Columbus in the morning where Marylou and Ed were just chilling out eating some taquitos that fell out of the box in the freezer; they hadn’t done shit since Dean and I peaced out. We went to my aunt’s house in the suburbs and she made us some delicious fucking...
173 - Incredibly Awesome Rawness
Dean was like, “You see the shit I’m saying? We gotta fucking party. As we roll this way I am positive beyond doubt that we gotta get wild—that even you, as you think about dating just one chick at a time, the shit will come together and you won’t have to settle for just one vag and we can keep rocking. Furthermore we’re awesome, we make it happen; I can go anywhere in America and bone...
172 - Not Worth Getting Your Vagina All Sandy
At one point I bitched about some of the bullshit that was going down—how my family wouldn’t pay for study abroad, how much I wanted Lucille to put out more, who was cool but sometimes a prude. “That bullshit, you see, is the kind of shit that happens when you can’t get your party on. That shit’s not worth getting your vagina all sandy about. This fucking hangover!” he was like and pounded his...
171 - Four Loko Bullshit
For the whole trip Dean was crazy stoked about all the shit we passed, all the shit we talked about, all the shit that people texted him. Dude was fucking crazy. “And for real no one can tell us that Four Loko is actually dangerous. We’ve partied with that shit. You remember, Sal, when I first came to Columbus and Chad King and I drank like five in a night. Wasn’t that shit awesome? It’s all cool,...
170 - All the Frozen Taquitos
We sat and didn’t know why Carlo was being such a bitch; now shit was awkward. We had to bust out. Dean announced it was time to haul ass to Virginia. Dude got his groom on, I microwaved all the frozen taquitos that were left in the box, Marylou packed the duffel and it was game time. We dropped off Carlo and told him we’d be back in time to party with him on New Year’s Eve. Dean and me took turns...
169 - Thy Shiny Wrangler Unlimited in the Night
Carlo just sat there with his hungover-looking eyes. Suddenly he was all like, “I gotta ask some shit.” “What up?” “Why the fuck are you all up in Columbus? What kind of fucked up shit are you into now? I mean, dude, what’s the fucking deal? What’s the fucking deal, bro, in thy shiny Wrangler Unlimited in the night?”
168 - Xbox
Dean was playing NBA Live 10 on my Xbox and was fucking loving it—“Holy shit LeBron looks real! Check this out! His dunk is like perfect—check out that pick and roll, fuck yeah.” Ed Dunkel wanted to play Rock Band; he was all nagging like a bitch to play, nobody wanted to do that shit. Everybody thought that game was pretty gay.
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167 - Like a Chump
Carlo kicked back in an easy chair, eating some of my frozen taquitos. For the first half-hour dude said shit; he was busy pounding taquitos. He had eased off his diet and exercise since the Denver Delts days; going on semester at sea had done it. On that boat, never wearing a shirt, he had gotten into some real shit with some dudes who partied legendarily. He had pictures on his phone of crazy...
166 - Had to get some Pushups in
We went to my apartment near campus and rocked some nap bombs. I woke up early, ‘cause I had to get some push-ups in. Dean and Marylou had boned in Derek’s bed, and Ed crashed on my couch. Dean’s jacked up duffel was in the corner with Clif bars hanging out. My iPhone lit up. I looked at the caller ID; it was Old Bull Lee who was all up in New Orleans now